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Basic Dentistry

by Michael Kane

When I was a kid, my teeth were so bad . .

How bad were they?

They were SO bad, my parents got me braces even though the orthodontist said I was too young for them to be effective, just so kids would quit asking me when I was going to get braces.


After braces, 2 kinds of headgears, rubber bands and retainers, my teeth finally straightened out.  Then I didn't wear my retainer and now they're somewhat crooked, but I don't care THAT much.  Maybe I'll get them straightened someday.

When I was finally done with braces, the orthodontist attached a permanent retainer to my bottom teeth, and never took it off.  That was 14 years ago.  I got it removed last Friday.

Now, I floss every day.  I just hadn't been to the dentist since college.  I'm embarrassed to say that that's about 7 years since my last dental visit. 

The dentist who saw me was a Russian man who stood about 5 feet, 5 inches tall.  His accent was hard to understand and he seemed slightly annoyed at his job.  It didn't upset me, though - it was more of a funny personality trait. He knew more than his patients did, and this expertise almost bothered him.  I didn't mind his impatience.

He told me to open wide and attached Mr. Thirsty to my lip.  He poked with his metal hook, muttered about a "cavity" here and a "cavity" there.  Alternating from my mouth to his clipboard, he took notes about the state of my teeth.

Like an auto mechanic, he calculated the cost of my repair work.  I have 6 cavities.  I needed x-rays, my teeth cleaned, my cavities filled, and some varnish for some 'iffy' spots.  I wanted the retainer removed; that was extra.  He scanned his price list and added the figures in his head.  By then I had already forgotten all the work that was needed.

I think it was just the language difference - I don't think he meant to be funny.  But I asked him, "Now what do I need done again?"

He said, "It's called 'Basic Dentistry'."

Comments

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"Mike, I had no idea that we had this in common. My dad lovingly referred to me as "Buck" as a child because my teeth were so bad. Four years, two kinds of braces, and the most evil headgear ever, my teeth were straight. All it took was one year of college and not sleeping in my retainers (note: they were zebra striped with glitter- I picked them out in 8th grade) for my teeth to be crooked again. I regularly consider how bad it would be to be an adult with braces. I feel like after all the orthodintia I should have more to show for it."

by Shelley Wooten 

"Michael, if your grandmother were alive, you would be at the dentist each and every year, no matter how many times she had to call you. Your Dad and I had very buck teeth, and were lucky we hard orthodonture. However, our orthodotist did not believe in putting braces on the bottom teeth. He said, "They just go right back into their former position." As a result, they look like a picket fence. When your gradfather"Popie" was a boy, they did not have orthodonture. His mother had lots of children (8) and they all had big teeth, protruding. She was the family othododontist. She felt the children's mouths were just overcrowded. She tied a string around their back molars, tied the other end around a doorknob, and had one of the sibling slam the door. It worked every time, and most of her children had very nice teeth! Aunt Eileen PS Nanny would be glad to hear you are now flossing on a regular basis!"

by Eileen Montano 

"No, I didn't know we had that in common, either :) I can't believe you got to pick a zebra-striped, glittery retainer. I'd probably still wear that one today. Speaking of, I had a BRILLIANT idea; I'm not sure if they have this now or not, but they should: gold-plated / rhinestone-encrusted braces. I guarantee kids would go nuts for those."

by Michael Kane 

"Thank you, Kane."

by Russell Armand 

"MK, seriously, you had me dreaming about teeth last night. I had big, strange, ivory molars and the two uppers at the far back had each grown a small antler/horn/tusk/extension on the outside edge to PUSH MY CHEEKS OUT OF THE WAY when chewing so I wouldn't bite them. Evolutionary. Thanks again."

by Russell Armand 

"Yeah - I was wondering why you said 'Thanks'. Now I know . . . ."

by Michael Kane 

"Well, the initial thanks was just for the story. The second thanks was for the nightmare."

by Russell Armand 

"Michael's still the only one I know who got braces for 'social' reasons."

by Tom Kane 

"Aunt Eileen's comment about how happy Nanny would be about your flossing was "right on." On one of the first trips from Washington, D.C, to Brooklyn whenDad and I first started dating, I was surprised to learn that Nanny had made an appointment for me with Dr. Goodman, the family dentist to have my teeth checked out. I protested politely, but you know Nanny. I was only 19, and a wimp. I felt ljust ike a horse with Dr. Goodman counting my molars and poking around looking for cavities. Still, I was used to this kind of event because Mum used to make me go to her dental appointments. The receptionist would say, "Elizabeth, this appointment is for your mother." One look from me told her all she needed to know. Maybe that's why I gave my daughter my same name. I'll let her know she has a root canal next Thursday."

by Beth Kane 

"UPDATE: I've had 6 cavities filled and that ugly retainer removed. Thanks to my generous parents for paying for this dental work."

by Michael Kane 

"I love this photo. What a great kid you were...are!"

by Beth Kane